i hereby find you guilty of boring the crap out of me

today was my big day in court. i'd gotten a ticket back in july for "running a stop sign" that resulted in a couple other tickets, none of which i wanted. the good news was, there was no stop SIGN where i got the ticket. stop light, sure. but no stop sign! sometimes i love our judicial system:).

my appearance was scheduled at 1pm in arlington, about 20 minutes from where i live. this would be a slam dunk to make, had i not slept through THREE alarms! what the hell did i do last night that zonked me out into a mild coma? i cleaned my room. guess that takes more out of me than i figured! in any case, i wake up at 12:40, with exactly 20 minutes to get to the municipal building. quick math will tell you that leaves me how much time to take a shower and get dressed? that's right, NO time! i'm screwed.

i pop on some jeans and a decent polo and make my dishevelled bedhead look like it's supposed to be dishevelled, jump in the truck, and bolt. on the way, i figure i'll do myself a favor, call the court, and see if i can get pushed back or rescheduled. this turns into an ordeal that i really wasn't quite expecting...

"arlington municipal building, this is bufanda, how can i help you?"
"hi, bufanda, my name is sean newsom, and i'm scheduled to appear in JIA at 1pm today, but i'm way behind and will not make it on time. is there anyway i can get my time moved or changed the court date?"
"ok, sir. i need your name." (ability to speak. check. listening skills. not so checked.)
"ok, it's sean --- . s-e-a-n..."
"c-a-n?" (yes, my name is "can"...)
"no, it's s-e-a-n."
"i can't understand you, what's your name?" (note to self: if you have to hire someone to talk on a phone, make sure they know how the hell to use one AND have, say, oh, i don't know, ear drums.)
"it's SEAN."
"ohh! SEAN. and your last name is ---?"
"there ya go! yes!"
"ok, it says you're supposed to be at the JIA at 1pm. that's in fifteen minutes." (yeeeaaaah, i kind of noticed that. WHEN I SAID IT TO YOU!)
"yeah, i'm not going to make it, i'm still about twenty minutes away. is there anyway i can moved the court date."
"you don't have a court date, sean."
"i'm sorry? i thought you just said i'm in at 1?"
"that's not a court date, that's a trial hearing." (call me nuts, but i just figured since i'm going into a court, and it's assigned a specific date, that maybe, just MAYBE, you might know that's WHAT THE FRICK I'M TALKING ABOUT!!)
"fair enough, whatever i have scheduled at 1pm TODAY, i'm not going to make it for. may i reschedule or push back my time?"
"in order to change the date of you TRIAL HEARING (bufanda being condescending) you need to send in a letter to the court to request it prior to your hearing. would you like to do that?"
"(due to her condescendance, i felt obliged to return the referrance of stupidity) well considering that i now have seven MINUTES before my HEARING, bufanda, and i forgot to put a fax machine in my car, i just don't think that's gonna happen. unless you'd like to take these next few minutes to write a letter for me. are you up to the task, bufanda?"
"i'm afraid i can't write a letter for you, sir." (can't write a letter? or can't write the alphabet, in general?)
"fair enough. so nothing else i can do then? no one else i can talk to?"
"nope."
"okee dokee, i'll see you about ten minutes late then!"(click)

so i make it at 1:05, pretty good time. get to the metal detector, and as if i wasn't late enough, the girl in front of me decides to reenact the metal detector scene from every bad sitcom ever! puts her purse down. walks through, DING. pulls out her keys, DING. pulls out her cellphone, DING. sees me take off my belt and goes "OH YEAH!" and takes off her belt that looks like something sylvester stallone would use in rambo, and yet still- DING. finally the cop gets the wand on her (please check head for a plate, please check head fora plate...) swipes head (YES! i love that!) then swipes, with a DING.... her necklace. ohhhhhh, chick didn't want to reveal she had cheap ass jewelry- you just got served!!!! hahaahahahahaha.

finally, i get into the courtroom...err, TRIAL ROOM (effin bufanda). they let me in despite my tardiness, and i'm relieved to have two more people come in five minutes after me. i sit and wait. and wait. stiillllll waiting. the guy next to me informs me after a while that it is now 2:15. wow, times flies when you are SITTING STILL STARING AT A GIANT JUDGE'S DESK FOR AN HOUR! who knew?

at some point i guess they realized they needed another prosecutor or two to come handle the load of people (there was around 45 of we miscelleneous misdemeanor misfits). one of which i recognize, but i just can't place. she looks extraordinarily familiar, and it is killing me. mind you, i rarely get tickets and have no criminal history, so i definitely don't know her from the law world. but the alcoholic in me knows i've seen her drunk. i'm hoping i get her so i can clear my mind of who in the world she might be. i'm also hoping NOT to get her for the fact that i just rolled out of bed, haven't showered, have matted hair, shaggy stubble, and morning breath in the middle of the day. find out who she is, or not have someone who knows me see me like this? decisions, decisions...

another 40 minutes passes and it's finally my turn. i get the slowest lady. for every 6 people that familiar girl goes through, slow lady gets one. she tells me that i have three citations. i tell her i took care of one when i set the date, am at court for this one, and for some reason have a separate court date for the insurance one. she seems stunned and goes to check on something at a different computer. she comes back and tells me that the inspection is taken care of, but that i have a separate hearing for the insurance. i hold my tongue from asking her if her name might be bufanda. instead i get her working on the case at hand, the only thing i need her to worry about. while she's away working on part of the case, familiar girl is walking by. it's killing me, i have to know.

"excuse me, i'm sorry, but this is killing me. i recognize you. did you work at --- cafe (my first waiting job)?"
"yes. well, no. i worked at the bookstore next to it." (THAT'S how i know her. but that's way worse. will explain in a minute...)
"hmm, maybe not then. maybe you just look like someone then, sorry." (walks away)

the reason that's worse is this- i have a very weird memory. if i meet someone and have a really great conversation with them, there's a 90% chance i won't remember anything we spoke about or even their name. however, if i meet you in passing TWICE, i'll know every physical attribute, your name, and anything you say to me. i can see someone i went to middle school with who i didn't even have a classes with and remember their name, age, and who they were friends with and what they liked instantaneously. that's where the problem lies- it's weird. if i tell familiar girl the truth- "oh, yeah, you worked the second register. i bought my BAM card from you and you thought it was cool that i was buying Diary by palahniuk and recommended david sedaris to me... four years ago."- she might freak out just a skoach. and since we're already at the court house, she can file a restraining order without even leaving her laptop! soooo yeah, i'm just going to pretend that we never met:).

anyway, bufanda's long lost sister finally figured out how to do my paperwork and got my case dismissed... at 3:00! now i have to go back on the 12th to do it all over again, woohoo! two hours in a court room to show the cop made a mistake? that should be the crime!!